Finding My Creative Spark

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What I Painted Today

It feels so good to say that I feel passionate about something!  That I have found something that makes me feel truly alive.  I haven’t felt truly passionate about anything in a long time.  My depression, anxiety, and PTSD have totally clouded my thinking, and hobbies that I always enjoyed such a reading have become difficult for me; too many thoughts zoom around my head and I can’t concentrate.  But finally, I accidentally came across something that lets me tune out, where I can just exist in the moment, and feel good.  And that something is watercolor painting.

I only discovered it three days ago, but it has been life changing.  Even my husband has mentioned that when I’m painting I’m happy.  It’s when I stop painting that I crash-land back to earth and everything overwhelms me again.  But, for those few minutes, when I’m painting, I exist in my own little world where everything is ok.  It’s just me, the paint, my imagination and a blank sheet of paper.  That’s it.  I can let go of my thoughts and be free.

Normal daily day-to-day life is still hard for me and I’m still struggling big time.  Monday I felt so good, but the past two days haven’t been good.  My thoughts just take hold and lead me into a dark place.  I might find glimpses of light for small moments of time, but it doesn’t last.  I find myself thinking about everything that has happened the past few months: Rachel, my job, the cyber-bullying, Roxie and everything that has ever happened into the past.  My mind just plays everything on a constant repeat and I can’t make it stop.  My PTSD constantly causes me to relive moments over and over again.  Flashbacks have become a common daily occurrence.

Except when I’m painting.

When I’m painting my brain goes calm and quiet.

And I feel productive.

And I feel good.

I feel that spark of creativity and passion that I haven’t felt in so long.

And I need to look at this as a small step in the right direction.  Because, if for a few minutes I can tune out and find light, then I know that I can eventually feel good again.  It’s a sign that I will find the light again and find myself.  That I will somehow conquer everything I am dealing with at the moment.  It’s just going to take time.  But, for now, I need to take comfort in what is working for me.  And right now one of those things is self-expression through painting.

And that feels good!  It’s all part of living M.U.D. – finding what works for you and embracing it!


Copy of trés cool

Copy of Copy of trés cool

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