It feels so good to say that I feel passionate about something! That I have found something that makes me feel truly alive. I haven’t felt truly passionate about anything in a long time. My depression, anxiety, and PTSD have totally clouded my thinking, and hobbies that I always enjoyed such a reading have become difficult for me; too many thoughts zoom around my head and I can’t concentrate. But finally, I accidentally came across something that lets me tune out, where I can just exist in the moment, and feel good. And that something is watercolor painting.
I only discovered it three days ago, but it has been life changing. Even my husband has mentioned that when I’m painting I’m happy. It’s when I stop painting that I crash-land back to earth and everything overwhelms me again. But, for those few minutes, when I’m painting, I exist in my own little world where everything is ok. It’s just me, the paint, my imagination and a blank sheet of paper. That’s it. I can let go of my thoughts and be free.
Normal daily day-to-day life is still hard for me and I’m still struggling big time. Monday I felt so good, but the past two days haven’t been good. My thoughts just take hold and lead me into a dark place. I might find glimpses of light for small moments of time, but it doesn’t last. I find myself thinking about everything that has happened the past few months: Rachel, my job, the cyber-bullying, Roxie and everything that has ever happened into the past. My mind just plays everything on a constant repeat and I can’t make it stop. My PTSD constantly causes me to relive moments over and over again. Flashbacks have become a common daily occurrence.
Except when I’m painting.
When I’m painting my brain goes calm and quiet.
And I feel productive.
And I feel good.
I feel that spark of creativity and passion that I haven’t felt in so long.
And I need to look at this as a small step in the right direction. Because, if for a few minutes I can tune out and find light, then I know that I can eventually feel good again. It’s a sign that I will find the light again and find myself. That I will somehow conquer everything I am dealing with at the moment. It’s just going to take time. But, for now, I need to take comfort in what is working for me. And right now one of those things is self-expression through painting.
And that feels good! It’s all part of living M.U.D. – finding what works for you and embracing it!