Lately I’ve been feeling so lost, so scared, so turned upside down.  My brain tells me one thing, but reason tells me another.  I know what I am doing right now is right for me.  I know I need to rebuild myself.  I need to work on me.  I need to find myself again.  I need to be strong again.  And I know it’s going to take some time.

Last night I got so angry.  I haven’t felt such red-hot, pure anger in such a long time.  It scares me.  Honestly, it wasn’t spurred by one thing, but a whole host of things that have happened throughout the years.  How people have treated me.  How people have gotten away with how they’ve treated me.  The unfairness of the situations.  Feeling like I’m constantly to blame.  That I’m always the reason.

Everything just plays on repeat in my head.  All the jobs I’ve ever had.  All that was ever said.  Every single situation where no one understood me, or treated me like I should be treated.  If everyone treated others with respect this world would be such a better place.  And honestly, I’ve never dealt with everything that happened, I just kept going.  I would fall flat on my face, dust myself off, put the situation to the back of my mind, and hit the grindstone again.  I honestly never stopped to just access the damage.  I just kept going.

And now that I’ve stopped, it all comes back to me.  All the feelings.  All the pain.  All the experiences.  All the words.  All the hurt.  It comes back to me in a rush.  In a tidal wave, and I can’t stop it.  It just all hits me at once, and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me?

For the first time in my life I’m doing something different.  I’m breaking the cycle that I’ve been spinning around in for years.  And it’s so freakin scary!  Because I am doing something different.  Because it’s completely unknown and foreign to me.  And because, this time, I’m actually putting myself first and trying to work on me.  And now, everything that I’ve pushed to the back of mind for so long is coming back to me, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Every experience I’ve ever had has shaped me.  And I know I will only grow through what I’m going through right now.  But it’s hard.  I don’t believe in vengeance.  That doesn’t get you anywhere.  It’s bad karma.  I just need to keep being me.  Finding me.  And never apologize for who I am.

I am learning that my voice is my power.  And it can’t be silenced, and won’t be silenced.  Right now I need to work on me.  Even if that’s hard.

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