Nights Are Too Quiet

I’m finding night time the hardest.  I can’t fall asleep.  Our bedroom is too quiet.  Nothing feels right.  Once I’m asleep I’m ok, but then waking in the morning is hard too because reality sinks in very fast.

Our two girls always slept in bed with us.  It was something we started with Roxie when she was a puppy, or should I say she started with us.  We never planned for her to sleep with us, but her first night home she insisted, and we didn’t have the heart to say no.  And after that, honestly, we wouldn’t have it any other way.  We loved having Roxie and Lani sleep with us.

Roxie was like a white noise machine.  She was our snorer, and all she needed to do was start snoring, and cuddle up close and you’d be asleep before you knew it.  She would do that too while we would be sitting on the couch during the day.  I can’t tell you how many times she made me fall asleep when I never intended to.  She did that to my husband too.

Throughout the night the girls would rotate around.  I might fall asleep hugging and cuddling Lani, with Roxie curled up around my legs and awake in the morning hugging Roxie with Lani curled around my legs.  They would do this too when I was very depressed and couldn’t get out of bed.  It was almost like they were taking shifts to watch over me.

Now our bed is minus one person, and it’s so strange.  It doesn’t feel right.  I still fall asleep cuddling Lani, but now when I awake in the morning Roxie isn’t there to fill the space she left in the middle of the night when she went to curl up by my legs.  Something is missing and that something is Roxie.

Saturday will be a week and that doesn’t seem possible.  This entire week has literally been just a haze, although one amazing thing came out of it and it’s bringing so much joy to my husband and I and giving us something to look forward to, but I’m not ready to share about that yet.  Together we’re trying to hold on to the joy that Roxie filled our life with by remembering her.  My husband has been sharing stories about Roxie everyday on his Facebook.  We share memories and stories and we laugh and cry.  What an honor we had to be her parents.  And even though she is no longer with us, we are still her parents and we love her very much and miss her more than words can say.

Lani has been taking such good care of me.  She’s lost too.  But, we’ve been helping each other to find a new normal and enjoying our daily walks together.

The house is quiet.  Night time is hard.  Mornings are hard.  But somehow, together, my husband, Lani, and I will make it through.  And there are good things coming in the future.  And that’s what we need to focus on right now to keep us heading towards the light instead of into darkness.

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