“Your Wings Were Ready, But My Heart Was Not…”

I haven’t wanted to write for the past few days.  Everything has hurt too much.  Every time a memory hit me, the tears would fall, and the pain was too deep.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I think I have no more tears to cry.  I feel lost.  I feel like a part of me is missing.  I feel like a part of my family is missing.  I can’t eat.  It’s hard to go to sleep at night.  And just making it through the day is hard.  I try to remember happy memories, I try to focus on happy things, but it’s hard.

Roxie meant so much to my husband and I.  I never imagined we’d have to say goodbye so soon.  Eight years was not enough.  Eight years went by too fast.  I would give anything to go backwards in time to last Wednesday when everything was still ok.  I’d even go back further, just to have another day with my baby girl.

Last Wednesday was the last great day we all had together, my husband, Lani, Roxie, and I.  Wednesday night Roxie started having seizures.

I honestly can’t remember how everything played out.  It’s all a blur.  It seems like a million years ago, but also it seems just like yesterday.  Roxie’s seizures started getting worse and worse and by Saturday she was having seizures every 2 to 3 hours.  After one trip to her regular doctor and two trips to the ER, we finally got some answers.  We were advised to do an MRI, so Saturday morning that’s exactly what we did.  We were told we could pick her up in the afternoon.  Later that day I got a call from her doctor.  The MRI showed cancer everywhere.  There was nothing we could do.

My husband and I made the extremely hard decision to put Roxie to sleep.  We knew it was the right thing to do, even though it was breaking out hearts.  Saturday we said goodbye to our little girl with many kisses and hugs.  And life hasn’t been the same.

Roxie was pure light, pure joy, pure love.  She embraced life and ran with it.  She always knew how to turn my days around, how to make me smile and laugh.  She brought so much joy to our life and our house.  Lani worshiped her big sister, and she’s also lost without her.  It breaks my heart how lost we all are and how when Roxie left she took a piece of each of our hearts with her.  Our house is too quiet.  All the craziness and silliness has vanished.

Lan and I have been taking lots of walks together, and sharing lots of cuddles, and kisses.  As much as I’m falling apart, I’m trying to be strong for her because she too is dealing with this loss in her own way.

Little things remind me of Roxie each day.  Life is not the same.  But, I know my little girl will always be with me.  I want to write about all the memories, talk about all the good times, all the times she made me laugh, but at the same time, right now it hurts too much to remember.  If you want to read about my little girl, please read the special post I wrote about her a few months ago.

Rest in peace my little girl.  Mommy loves you forever and always.

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Roxie “The Terrible” Wanamaker – February 7, 2010 – February 24, 2018

“Your wings were ready, but my heart was not.”

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