TODAY HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY!!!
I’m putting that in bold because I haven’t had too many good days lately. Today was the first day I saw light. And although I’m not feeling 100%, and I’m still feeling anxious and depressed, I FEEL GOOD. And I need celebrate that because it’s a small step in the right direction. And it shows me that glimmer of possibility that eventually I will be ok again.
Last night was bad. I was crashing again. I was begging to go to the hospital. All the pain was just overwhelming me again. I’m going to be honest. The past few days my husband has had to call the crisis hotline to either get advice on what to do, or to have them talk to me to calm me down. One of the best things they told my husband to do was to get me outside. To get me out of the house. And that’s helped.
The past few nights, after dinner, my husband and I have started doing what he calls “Urban Hiking” meaning that, since it’s still winter, instead of hiking outside we have been going to different malls in our area and walking around. And for that hour or two that we are out, walking around, I start feeling better. Not 100%, but better, not so in the dark. But, the minute we get home, and I start thinking again, I start crashing. But, for that small bit of time I start feeling better, and I’ve been trying to cling to those few moments where I feel somewhat like myself.
Today was unseasonably warm, in the 70’s, and my husband had off from work. Our entire day was devoted to getting out of the house and doing positive things.
This morning, we went over to our friends house. My husband had this idea of something that we could do to symbolically let go of the past and let go of what has been bothering me. We burned a lot of old papers that we no longer needed that symbolized our old life before we went bankrupt. It felt so amazing watching those papers from our old life go up in flames. So cathartic. Then my husband had me write down on index cards everything that has been bothering me lately. We then talked about each thing I wrote down, and after discussing it, tossed it in the fire. That felt really good too. A symbolic way of letting go.
Afterwards, we went home, got the girls and went for a hike which was so much fun. It was so beautiful out. The sun was shining. It felt like Spring. It felt AMAZING being outside in the sun and warmth, hiking with those I love.
And tonight we went out for dinner with my mother-in-law which was fun.
So far, tonight, I am doing good and I’m celebrating that. It’s a small, but gigantic step forward. I don’t know how I’ll feel later tonight. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. But, for right now, I feel good. And I won’t let anyone make me feel guilty for that.