Even though overall I am doing better, I still find myself getting stuck in my head. My husband says that I’m doing amazing. And, honestly, I know I am. I’m having more good days consecutively than bad days, but when I have a bad day it does bring me down real fast.
My main problem is I have lost confidence in myself and I’m worried that I will never get it back, that I will never feel “ok” enough again to try holding down a job. I’m worried that I won’t ever get back to where I was. And I’m worried that I’ll never find that one place that I can stay at for years.
A few weeks ago when I was cyber bullied by a former co-worker, she told me that for three years everyone “had to walk on eggshells” around me, and I hate that expression. No matter where I’ve worked, that’s all I’ve ever heard from people. In the past I tried hiding my depression and anxiety, but that would only blow up in my face. Then I started being open and honest at jobs about my depression and anxiety to try to start a conversation and to try to encourage an understanding. And still, it would blow up in my face. No matter what I’ve tried, I have never found that understanding. And it’s discouraging. And hurtful. Especially when it’s thrown back in your face.
And when I’m alone for too many hours, all these thoughts and doubts take over. My husband says eventually I will get to that point where I’ll feel like I can work again. He thinks eventually I will find a place that understands me and is compassionate and will treat me right. And he says he knows I will get to this point eventually because I am stronger than I think.
But still, it’s hard. And right now I know it’s alright to have these doubts and anxieties. I went through a lot, and I’ve been through a lot. And right now I know I need to take that step back, take time off from working, and focus on me. Right now that is what I need. But still, it’s hard.
I don’t know where the future will take me. I honestly don’t know where this path that I’m currently on will lead. I do know that I’m open to the adventure, and open to learning as much as I can. I do also know that I will never stop being me, and I will never stop sharing about living with depression, anxiety, and PTSD because these are important issues to talk about.
And when I do eventually decide to try working again, I will again be open about my issues because there’s no need to hide them. And maybe one day I will find that compassion and understanding. And maybe one day people won’t feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Like my husband says, if people show compassion, understanding, and treat me like I should be treated than there’s no reason for people to feel this way.
I am on a journey right now of discovery. Right now I walk between the light and the dark. Most days the path is filled with light. And those days I live life with open arms. And during the dark days I fight my demons. But, I am winning. And as long as I keep on fighting, I will never fail. I just need to keep walking this path, and know that one day all the struggles I have experienced and am currently experiencing will all make sense and lead me to bigger and better things.