The Roller-Coaster Ride

I am feeling so lost.  I honestly don’t know which way to go, or what I should do.  The more and more I think about it, the job I accepted is probably not the right fit for me.  I can only come up with a list of two good reasons to take the job, and a bunch of negative reasons why I shouldn’t.  The two good reasons are: the people/environment seem nice and they have an office dog.  As my husband says, that’s definitely not enough of a reason to take the job.

I want to do something that makes my soul happy.  That makes me happy.  That feels right for me.  Where I don’t have to compromise who I am or my beliefs.  I’ve done that for years when I’ve taken jobs and I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to truly find where I belong.  But I don’t know where I belong.  And I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life.

I keep thinking that I need to go back to school.  But what would I even study?  That was the problem I had the first time around when I went to college.  I had lots of fun taking classes I was passionate about (art, theater, design, photography), but nothing that would lead to a career path.

I want something that lets me be free.  Where I don’t feel boxed in.  Where I can express myself and feel like I am making a difference.  But what is that place?  What is that job?

Last week I was feeling so good.  I was feeling like myself again.  And then I started thinking, and I started realizing that the job I accepted, there was more bad than good points.  Even though it felt like the right environment, there was a lot that wasn’t right for me.  And now I’ve crashed back into that dark hole.

That’s the thing about anxiety, depression, mental illness.  It truly is a roller-coaster ride.  Even on medication.  There’s the ups and there’s the downs and sometimes it can be months and weeks between those ups and downs and other times, just a few days.  My blog is testament to that.  This is my story.  And I hope that by sharing my story, it helps others to understand what it’s like to live with mental illness.  Because it’s not easy.  And, honestly, it’s never a smooth ride.

I don’t want to be this way.  I don’t act this way on purpose.  But this is all part of the “illness”.  When things are good, they are really good.  And when things are bad, they are really bad.  There is no in-between.  It’s why I try to live my good days as best I can because I know that eventually, I might not know when and I might not know how, the darkness will set in again.  So I try to celebrate the good days the best that I can.

Right now I’ve slipped back down into the darkness.  Eventually I will find my way out again.  But right now, I’m just feeling so lost.

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