Hold on to me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady.”
This song popped into my head last night, and it’s chorus sums up exactly how I feel. I’m a little unsteady. Last night, somehow I tripped and fell back into the darkness. I’m not at rock bottom level like I was a few weeks ago, but I’m literally just hanging on.
I was feeling so good. I was feeling content, like I am where I’m supposed to be. I started to feel more like myself, except that the anxiety kept lingering. I thought I was out of the worst of it, but last night the thoughts took over. The overwhelming doubts. And I found myself back in the darkness, trying to cling to the light, just trying to breathe.
I felt like I was being crushed from the inside. When it gets too quiet, I tend to think. And sometimes that thinking takes a bad turn. All the doubts about my new job started to overwhelm me. Can I do it? Can I actually work the hours I am needed? They are long hours, and late hours. Both of which aren’t the best for me. Not to mention that the nights I’m working I’ll have to eat dinner alone, and I’m worried that without constant supervision I will fall back into my old eating disordered ways. I’m worried that I won’t eat. And the job is only till the end of April. What then? What happens then when I’m back where I started?
All these overwhelming thoughts led to me crashing. I talked to my mom. I talked to my husband. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so lost. I felt again like I don’t know what’s right for me. What is my path? What am I meant to do in life? What will make me happy?
A big problem I have is I don’t like feeling stuck. I am so much of a free spirit that just the thought of being “locked-in” to certain hours and days, especially long shifts (anything over 4 hours), makes me extremely anxious. I feel like a bird stuck in a cage and I can’t break free. I can’t spread my wings and fly. I hate feeling like that; I can’t breathe. I need to be able to soar, to feel like I have no walls around me.
I just am feeling so lost and confused and “unsteady” as I try to climb my way back out of this darkness.