Although I might have climbed my way out of the darkness, I have now found myself battling my anxiety. I traded one for another. I don’t think there’s a day that has gone by in weeks that I haven’t battled my anxiety in some shape or form.
My anxiety is a lot better now than it’s ever been before. I can function. It’s not stopping me from leaving my house or doing things. But that’s not to say that I don’t feel my anxiety. I could be sitting at home on the couch with my girls, or out for a ride with my husband, or running errands and the anxiety makes itself known. I start feeling odd. I start feeling like my heart is beating too fast. I feel like I’m on high alert. I feel uncomfortable, like I can’t do anything to stop this feeling.
Anxiety is hard to deal with because, when it’s mild, it doesn’t show any outward symptoms. You learn to mask how you are feeling. It’s when anxiety is very severe that people can see you are battling something. When anxiety is bad you find yourself crying, you find yourself shaking, you can’t go anywhere or do anything. But mild anxiety, like what I’m experiencing, is not like that. It is just an internal battle that no one can see. And when you’re battling this type of anxiety I think it’s just as important as it is when you are having a severe attack to talk to someone. To get out of your head. To let someone know you are struggling so they can be there for you.
I know what’s causing my anxiety. It’s the fear of the unknown. It’s not knowing if everything will work out like I hope / want. It’s feeling like you have no control. And it’s scary feeling this way. It’s scary trying to put all your faith into trusting the universe. It’s something I have been trying to learn how to do, because I know that I can’t always control everything. Sometimes, you just need to sit back and trust in the universe, and trust in the new paths that are laid out for you, even if you don’t quite know where you’re going.
Doing yoga has been helping me to find a calmness to my day. Using my essential oils has been helping me. Spending time with my husband and girls has been helping me. I know it’s just going to take time to see how everything will play out. All I can do is try to breathe, try to make it through the day, and talk about how I’m feeling when the anxiety feels like it’s getting too much to bare.
Just because I might seem ok from the outside, doesn’t mean internally I am. And that’s why I talk about these issues so openly. It’s a way to break the stigma. It’s a way to bring awareness to mental illness. It’s a way to connect.
And I truly believe that as we share our stories, and the stories of our invisible battles, we can change the world.