Trying

Today I am trying.  I am trying to see the light.  I am trying to embrace the happiness I feel spending time with my husband and girls.  I am trying to climb out of the darkness.

When you suffer from depression, sometimes all you can do is try.  The smallest little things that you are able to accomplish while depressed, are huge accomplishments.  And in those small accomplishments you need to take comfort knowing that they are signs that you can climb out of the darkness.  That maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of my accomplishments today:

  • I got out of bed
  • I ate breakfast and lunch
  • I have found myself laughing
  • I have found myself smiling
  • I haven’t gone back to sleep

And yet, still, the darkness wants to drag me back down.  I feel it.  Yesterday, I couldn’t get out of bed.  Yesterday, I didn’t want to eat.  I ended up only eating dinner once my husband got home.  Yesterday I couldn’t stop crying.  I felt so hopeless and helpless.  Today those feelings are still there, but a little more dull and not quite as painful.  Today there is a little spark of hope.

Christmas is big for my husband’s family.  Christmas is a busy time for us.  My husband bakes cookies all day, which is a family tradition.  We spend time with our girls.  Then, we spend Christmas Eve at my father-in-law’s house and see the siblings and nephews.  Then we come home late, and go to bed.  Christmas morning we wake up, we go through our stockings and open presents, and then it’s to my mother-in-law’s house for breakfast.  After breakfast it’s off to my grandmother-in-law’s house for Christmas with the entire family including aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Then, back home for dinner with my mother-in-law, and finally after a long busy day, off to bed.

This year, I’m not really feeling up to all the holiday cheer, but at the same time I don’t want to take away from what’s important to my husband.  I wasn’t up to Hanukkah this year either, but my husband helped me embrace the Hanukkah lights and helped me to light the menorah each night and take comfort in the meaning of Hanukkah.  And somehow, even though I’m not up to it, I have to find the light in Christmas as well.

When I’m depressed, I don’t really want to be around anyone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to pretend to be happy when I’m not.  I don’t want to smile, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep.  Depression robs all happiness from your life, and through the darkness you lose yourself.

But, I’m trying today.  I’m trying to find myself, and trying with all my might to fight the darkness.  And sometimes, that’s enough all by itself.  So tonight, I will try to find comfort of being with my family.  I will try to find comfort in the love that they give me.  And maybe, for a little while, the darkness will part and I will find the light.

Merry Christmas.


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