Tonight someone I know posted a message on Facebook that spoke to me so deeply.
“It’s the first of 8 nights where we show ourselves and the world that any level of darkness can be conquered with light… one candle at a time!!”
It’s the first night of Hanukkah and I needed that message above more than anyone will ever know. As much as I want to post about my family’s first night of Hanukkah and the amazing brisket and latkes we made, I’m going to leave that for another night.
“Any level of darkness can be conquered with light.” For that one period of time tonight when the Hanukkah candles were lit, there was light in the darkness that is currently consuming me whole. For that one moment tonight everything was ok.
Right now I’m being consumed by the darkness. I can’t find my way out and I don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure. I keep crying because I’m disappointed in myself. I’m tired of fighting against the same demons I always fight against and have fought against for my entire life. I’m tired of trying to get people to understand why I am the way I am. I am me. I can’t be anyone different.
Mental illness is hard to live with, and even though the conversation about mental illness has become more mainstream, there’s still a lot of stigma tied in to it. I’d say most of the time I’m ok and I can function. No one knows the demons I battle every single day. I can hide it behind a smile, and a laugh. But everyday those demons are there, lurking just waiting for the perfect time to jump out and make themselves known. And some days I lose the battle and my demons become apparent, especially when I’m under extreme amounts of stress like I have been lately.
It’s not one thing that’s happened. It’s many things and they have all built up until it’s a mountain that I can’t climb. It’s a darkness I can’t find my out. And I don’t know what to do.
I don’t mean to make this all doom and gloom. It’s just how I’m feeling. I wasn’t going to write tonight, but than I read that message that was posted on Facebook, and I realized, even if I feel like I can’t make it through the next few days. Even if I feel like I can’t get myself out of bed, I know that there will be one part of my day for the next 7 nights that will, for a brief moment, shine light in the darkness, and maybe if I can focus on that, I will be alright.