Looking Back, Moving Forward

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The past two months have been so emotional for me, but when I look back to September I am proud of how far I’ve come.  September was hard and emotionally challenging for me.  Rachel’s passing really shook me up and I never felt like I’d find my way out of the darkness again.  But, I did, and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for the new path that it set me on.

It’s amazing how things come together and how good things can eventually come out of a tragedy.

If it wasn’t for Rachel’s passing, and me needing to find a way to make peace with it, I don’t know if I ever would have gotten up the courage to go to Chabad.  I’d been wanting to go for a long time, and my husband always encouraged me, but I was nervous about going on my own.  But, because I found the courage and started going to Chabad, I was introduced to a whole new, welcoming community of people where I feel like I belong.  Because I went to Chabad I started taking Hebrew lessons which helped to reignite in me my fire for learning.  Because I went to Chabad I started stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying new things that are good for my soul.  Talking with the Rabbi also helped me to start making peace with Rachel’s passing and knowing that she is never gone; she is always with my mom and I.

But, Rachel’s passing also led to so much more.  Because I was so sad, and felt so lost, I started going to therapy.  In the past I never found therapy to work for me, but this time around I found a therapist who I connected to, who gets me, understands me, and encourages me.  With her help I have started making huge leaps and bounds, and am learning to set healthy boundaries.  I am learning how to say no and separate myself from others.  I am learning that I am not responsible for trying to “fix” the world.  I am learning that I don’t have to make everyone happy.  I am starting to learn how to not control every single little situation in my life.  And each step forward is just one more small step towards being a happier healthier me.  And I only ended up here because I was finding it so hard to deal with Rachel’s passing.

It’s been two months.  I think I have come so incredibly far in those two months, that when I think about it, it’s shocking!  The days are easier to get through.  They aren’t filled with tears.  I am stronger.  I have started to make peace.  But, that’s not to say that sometimes it doesn’t hit me.  Sometimes it hits me so hard, especially at night when I’m waiting to fall asleep.  Sometimes her passing feels like it just happened.  And it’s in those moments when it does truly hit me that I realize just how far I have come because, unlike back in September, I know I can make it through the feelings and be ok.

I seem to always find that when you hit rock bottom, new doors and new paths are open to you that set you on a new journey you never saw yourself taking.  Life is one crazy journey, and death, I now know, you can never fully make sense of.  Things happen for reasons we will never truly understand.

In the two months since Rachel’s passing I have made incredible growth, and I truly feel that she has been helping me all along.


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