I don’t like to be angry. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I was such an angry child/teenager that now, anger actually scares me. It made me do things back then that I regret. Anger makes me anxious. But, acknowledging when I feel anger is something my therapist has been working on with me.
I rather use the words “annoyed” or “frustrated” than admit that I am angry. Actually, sometimes it’s even hard for me to admit that I am feeling anger. My therapist has been working with me on saying that “A” word that I dislike and feel so uncomfortable with. She’s been helping me realize that it’s ok to feel angry.
When I was a child/teenager anger would overtake me. I would scream. I’d yell. I’d break things. I’d hit. I’d do anything to try to release how I was feeling. And looking back at it, I’m embarrassed I ever got that way, but I didn’t know how to release my anger in a healthy manner. Once I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression and put on medication at 18, I finally felt like I was in control of my emotions, and I actively worked on never getting so angry again.
And so, as the years have gone on, I have gotten scared to be angry because of how I used to get. There’s a part of me that is so convinced that if I let myself feel anger, that I will go back to my out-of-control behaviors that I exhibited as a child/teenager. I don’t ever want to go back to that. But, yet, denying when I feel angry isn’t healthy either and that’s why my therapist has been working with me on acknowledging when I feel angry and letting me know that it’s ok to feel angry at times. That, actually, it’s healthy.Today I was full of anger. But, you know what? I was able to admit it. I knew what I was feeling, and although I wanted to break things and scream, I didn’t. I acknowledged that I was angry. I was able to state the reasons why I was angry. And just by doing that is a huge step for me; letting myself feel and acknowledge anger.
So what made me angry? Actually some of it is pretty silly.
My day started off great! My husband and I went to the gym when we woke up and then ran some errands. He didn’t have to be at work till noon today so we had all morning together, or at least so I thought. We came home from running errands around 10:30 am and my husband went outside to work on a few things, while I stayed upstairs with the babies paying our bills.
Now this is where everything went off track…
Problem One: As I was paying bills, and my husband was outside, I realized that our internet company had raised their prices and was now charging us an outrageous amount for internet. When my husband came back upstairs I told him, and he asked me to see what other providers there are for internet service in our area. You know what that answer was? ZERO! There are honestly no other companies besides the one we currently have, and their price for internet is outrageous. So, that made me angry because I hate feeling like there are no options.
Problem Two: It’s now 11 am and my husband is back upstairs, and I’m talking to him about the internet bill. But, as I’m talking to him, I see him flying around the house and getting dressed for work frantically. Turns out, he had his hours wrong and was supposed to be at work right that second! His frantic energy made me anxious, and I started feeding off of that.
Problem Three: As I was trying to figure out our internet problem, talk to my husband who was flying around the house getting ready for work, and talk about last-minute things that we needed to discuss before he left, I got total sensory overload! Too much was going on around me at one time, and instead of pausing and taking a breather, I just kept on going, so I felt even more anxious.
Problem Four: I was excited because I was expecting a package in the mail today (more on that another day), and I had heard the mailman come as my husband was getting dressed for work. After my husband left for work, and after I finished paying bills, I went downstairs to our mailbox. We live in an apartment and our mailboxes are small. The post office has a main key that they use to pull our mailboxes out, then they just drop our mail in, push our mailboxes back in the wall, and re-lock it. Well, I go to my mailbox… AND MY KEY WON’T TURN!!! Like not at all! Instead of putting any packages that we were receiving today at our door, our mailman jammed them into our box! I couldn’t get my mail and my package that I was so excited for was in there! Again, more anger. I called the post office and they told me that they’d send the mailman back out, but it wouldn’t be until his shift was done, which would be sometime later this evening. Now I was seeing red.
My Small Little Mailbox & All The Mail That Was Jammed Into It!
And that is how my day got off-track. Honestly, small little things that just built up and left me a seething mess! At 2 pm I had to go to work, so I oiled myself up and pocketed one of my favorite oils, Surrender, to hopefully help me get through the day. But still, I was so angry. I couldn’t calm down no matter what I tried.
I ended up calling my husband shortly after I got to work because I needed help refocusing. He helped me to calm down and realize that honestly, there was nothing I could do to change the situations that had happened this morning.
And, as the evening wore on my anger became less and less.
I don’t like feeling anger, but yet, I’m learning that it is healthy to be angry at times. It’s not good to deny how you are feeling. It’s always best to acknowledge what you are feeling so you can work through it. I might now like feeling angry, but I also need to keep in mind that I’m not that super angry child/teenager anymore. I can handle my anger in a healthy way. It might make me uncomfortable, it might make me feel like I want to throw something and scream, but I know that I don’t have to do that. I can instead use my words and talk about how I’m feeling. Acknowledging anger, for me, is just another step in the right direction. And maybe, hopefully, one day it won’t scare me so much.