“I’m About To Break…”

It helps me to write.  When I write I can get out exactly how I’m feeling and thinking.  It’s a release for me.  And, like I’ve always said, I want this blog to be open and honest through the good and the bad.

shutterstock_180365048-864x400_cLately, I feel like I’ve been hanging on by a thread.  It’s been such an emotionally charged month and it’s been really hard.  I have no more tears to cry, and each day the pain becomes a little less, but it’s still hard.  I tend to get lost in my thoughts.  I tend to keep asking, “Why?”.  It still doesn’t make sense to me why Rachel had to pass.  It still doesn’t seem real.  And I’m left with all these questions.

But, it’s more than that too.  A lot of stuff has been going on and it’s been piling one on top of another until it’s like a mountain that’s about to topple over threatening to bury me alive.  I’m ok for the most part if I’m keeping busy.  It’s the moments when I’m alone, when I have time to think.  It’s the moments before I go to sleep at night.  I think.  And think and think and think.  And sometimes, I feel like I’m about to break.

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Lately, one of my biggest struggles has been my eating disorder.  I haven’t restricted.  And I know that’s good.  I know that all the work I’ve done over the last three years has made me stronger so I don’t give into the voices that fill my head.  But, yet, I still struggle.  So then the other voices take over: “I hate what I look like.  I think I’m fat.  I hate how clothes look on me.”  It’s all these awful thoughts against myself.  And instead of looking in the mirror and saying to myself that I look pretty, or I like what I look like, I put myself down and I make myself feel awful.

For me it’s all about control and I know that’s why those voices have started up again.  I feel like I’ve had no control this month.  I’ve had no control over everything that has gone on, and it’s left me wanting to grab whatever control I can.  And, for me, my eating disorder is the first thing to start up.  Everyday I’ve been fighting against the voices and making sure I eat.  But, yet I still give into the voices that are filled with self-hatred.

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I say all of this, and I guess this is the point of this post, to say that even when you think your demons are far behind you, you still might find at times that you struggle.  And that’s ok.  It’s a matter of acknowledging the thoughts that are bombarding you and figuring out why you are feeling that way.  It’s a matter of acknowledging those thoughts, and acknowledging how you feel, but at the same time remaining strong and making sure you keep fighting.

Sometimes things happen where you feel like you’re drowning.  I am so proud of all the progress I have made, but I still have my issues.  I still struggle at times.  And that’s why I’m sharing this because, instead of giving up, find strength in how far you have come and know that you are strong enough to make it through the current struggles until you find yourself on solid ground again.

Most importantly, never give up.


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