It’s the first time in five days that I haven’t cried. With everything that has gone on within the past few days, I think I have no more tears to cry. That doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t still ache. It does. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped questioning everything. I haven’t. But I had an experience today that seemed to bring me peace and for that I am thankful.
This morning my husband and I were sitting in the living room. Although I’ve stopped crying, my mind is still reeling and still trying to come to terms with all that has happened. And because I’m feeling like this, I kept feeling a little anxious today. My husband and I were watching tv with our girls. Nothing was different in the house, inside or out. But I kept smelling this overwhelming scent of roses. It was almost as if someone held a bouquet of roses up to my nose, or it was almost as if I were standing in a rose garden. There was nowhere this scent could have come from. And neither my husband nor my girls smelled it. Just me! I kept asking my husband if he smelled it because it kept coming in waves, and he said no.
Eventually, after this went on for sometime, I looked it up online. A web search showed that if you smell the scent of roses and there is nowhere possible the scent could have come from, then that means a guardian angel or a spirit is nearby letting you know you are loved, safe, and watched over. And that felt comforting to me. Maybe it was Rachel letting me know that she was ok. I don’t know, but I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life.
I believe in signs, and I take this sign that I got today as a positive. I think, wherever Rachel’s soul is, she is happy. She is ok. Although she is hooked up to life support machines and her body is still technically alive, and due to the doctor’s saying there is no brain activity, I believe her spirit has moved on.
I feel better today. Not 100%, but not hysterically crying either. I’m somewhere in-between, still processing. I’ll never fully understand life or death, or why things happen. But like my husband keeps telling me, I can’t question God’s plan.
I know my last few posts have been all mental health related and I haven’t discussed much else this week, but I can’t write about anything except how I’m feeling at the moment. It’s not authentic otherwise, and part of my M.U.D. life is always being mindful to and acknowledging how I feel. I believe in sharing the good and the bad and not shying away from either. And I appreciate all the love and support my mother and I have received the last few days from everyone.
As my husband reminds me, each day will get a little easier. It will just take time. Each day will hurt a little less, and slowly life will get back to normal.
I know these haven’t been the happiest posts the past few days, but thank you for listening, for caring, and for being there for me.